2012 started in the worst possible way for me - in bed, suffering the effects of yet another Major Depressive Incident. On New Year's Eve, my mind blew a "mental fuse", and I walked out of work and went AWOL. I wandered the streets of my city for several hours, in a mental fog, not knowing where I was going, or indeed, why. There was a moment, crossing the river, that I seriously gave thought to climbing the parapet and just throwing myself off. I didn't, but it was a tough decision not to. Eventually, I ended up at an out-of-hours GP surgery, where I broke down and demanded to be locked up. Luckily for me, my family were sent for, and I ended up at home, in bed, under the influence of heavy tranquillisers and anti-depressants.
I spent most of the month of January at home in bed, or sprawled on the sofa in front of the tv. Anti-depressants are not nice. They carry with them a range of side-effects including, but not limited to, drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, weight changes, vivid dreaming, dry mouth, increased sweating, trembling, diarrhea, excessive yawning, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. Anyone who thinks they are an easy way out from your problems is much mistaken. I'm no longer suffering from most of these, but still have issues with fatigue, excessive yawning, and dizziness.
Recovery was gradual, and I returned to work mid-February, being treated with kid gloves by everyone. Eventually, I had to speak to my manager and tell him I just wanted to be treated normally, not as a sensitive or high-risk person. My mood has gradually improved over the year, with occasional dips over the time, but then, my medication isn't "happy pills", it's "normal pills" - they give me a normal emotional spectrum. I was immensely heartened in March, when one of my comedy heroes, Peter Serafinowicz, tweeted publicly about his battle with depression (http://chirpstory.com/li/5480). He too, describes his medication, as "normal pills", and is on the same medication as myself.
Even with the medication, there are many people who I could not have managed without, and whose strength and support I was able to draw on. They know who they are, and I don't want to embarrass them but I have to mention Steph, Lesley, Johnny G, Steve, and Dawn. Thanks guys, for helping me through this patch, and I hope we all meet up soon!
Monday, 31 December 2012
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Love, Pain, and the Whole Crazy Thing
Tonight I did something I haven't done for a few years. I sat on the floor in my daughter's bedroom and watched her sleep. Just that, nothing more. Events in the last few weeks (of which more anon) have made me so aware of how important family is, and how it should be cherished while we can. I am determined more than ever now that my daughter should lean this, and understand it as a central tenet of her life.
Love of any kind is a wonderful, crazy roller-coaster of a ride, and along with the good times, there will inevitably be pain. What form the pain takes can vary, whether it be the pain of rejection by the one you love, the pain of separation, or the ultimate pain of loss. But then, isn't that pain a sign of how strong that love is? If there was no love, there would be no pain.
I said earlier that events of the last few weeks have made me aware of how important family is. Two friends, two very good friends, both lost their surviving parent recently.
My best friend, David, recently buried his father after losing his mother about 10 years ago. To be fair though, he said that he "lost"him about 18 months ago, as his dad had suffered greatly from dementia in his final years. But still he loved him. Even though he didn't always know David when he came to visit, David still loved him. Sometimes there would be that spark of recognition in the eyes, but mostly there was none. Yet David still loved him.
Yesterday, another close friend lost her mother. I've never met L, as we're online friends, but I feel her pain and loss just as much as I do David's.
You see, I don't make good friends easily, but those I do, I love like my family. I have quite a few acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends, the ones I can really be open and completely honest with. I feel David's pain because he is my best friend in real life, and I feel L's pain because I look upon her as the older sibling I never had - wise, quirky, and above all, loving and fun.
I have no doubt that both David and L miss their respective parents, and how painful their loss must be. But then again, that pain would not exist without the tremendous love they undoubtedly both had for their parents. That love came from a lifetime of parental devotion they both received, along with the joy of knowing how much they were loved in return.
All of which sort of brings me full circle. I sat and watched over A sleeping tonight because I love her. I half-hoped she would wake up and see me there, and know that I was watching over her. I want her to know how much she is cherished, even when she isn't always well-behaved. And although it may sound wrong, I want her to know the pain when I eventually go into that Undiscovered Country, because that pain will show others how much she loved me in return.
Love of any kind is a wonderful, crazy roller-coaster of a ride, and along with the good times, there will inevitably be pain. What form the pain takes can vary, whether it be the pain of rejection by the one you love, the pain of separation, or the ultimate pain of loss. But then, isn't that pain a sign of how strong that love is? If there was no love, there would be no pain.
I said earlier that events of the last few weeks have made me aware of how important family is. Two friends, two very good friends, both lost their surviving parent recently.
My best friend, David, recently buried his father after losing his mother about 10 years ago. To be fair though, he said that he "lost"him about 18 months ago, as his dad had suffered greatly from dementia in his final years. But still he loved him. Even though he didn't always know David when he came to visit, David still loved him. Sometimes there would be that spark of recognition in the eyes, but mostly there was none. Yet David still loved him.
Yesterday, another close friend lost her mother. I've never met L, as we're online friends, but I feel her pain and loss just as much as I do David's.
You see, I don't make good friends easily, but those I do, I love like my family. I have quite a few acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends, the ones I can really be open and completely honest with. I feel David's pain because he is my best friend in real life, and I feel L's pain because I look upon her as the older sibling I never had - wise, quirky, and above all, loving and fun.
I have no doubt that both David and L miss their respective parents, and how painful their loss must be. But then again, that pain would not exist without the tremendous love they undoubtedly both had for their parents. That love came from a lifetime of parental devotion they both received, along with the joy of knowing how much they were loved in return.
All of which sort of brings me full circle. I sat and watched over A sleeping tonight because I love her. I half-hoped she would wake up and see me there, and know that I was watching over her. I want her to know how much she is cherished, even when she isn't always well-behaved. And although it may sound wrong, I want her to know the pain when I eventually go into that Undiscovered Country, because that pain will show others how much she loved me in return.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
The Dance
OK - confession time - I LOVE Country Music. I mean the real stuff - jeans, boots and cowboy hats. Not the faux-country stuff peddled by a certain Donegal-based crooner that the grannies all love! Garth Brooks was the first Country Artist I heard. We were on honeymoon in Dublin in '94, when he played The Point. Everywhere you went, his picture and music were all over the place. We've seen him twice live - Croke Park in Dublin, and King's Hall in Belfast. Best.Concerts.Ever! This song is my favourite song, by my favourite artist.
It has a particular resonance for me. When you've been hurt before it's hard to take the chance on happiness again. The problem is, when a relationship ends, someone always gets hurt. Thing is, though, you won't get hurt if you don't take the chance. And if you don't take the chance, you'll never have the good times. Sometimes it's better to take the chance, not knowing what's ahead, and enjoy the good times, rather than lose out altogether.
"Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the Dance".
If you get a chance at a relationship, grab it with both hands. If you don't, you WILL miss the pain, but you'll also miss all the good times, the love, the friendship, and everything that goes before....
I've linked through to the video below, and as he himself says, the video illustrates a subtext of the song - that of someone who has led a life of so much promise, but yet has been taken from us too soon. Regardless of the meaning you choose, the song is, and will remain one of my favourite songs, both in the lyrics and the beautiful simplicity of the musical arrangement.
Watch the video here :
Garth Brooks - The Dance
It has a particular resonance for me. When you've been hurt before it's hard to take the chance on happiness again. The problem is, when a relationship ends, someone always gets hurt. Thing is, though, you won't get hurt if you don't take the chance. And if you don't take the chance, you'll never have the good times. Sometimes it's better to take the chance, not knowing what's ahead, and enjoy the good times, rather than lose out altogether.
"Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the Dance".
If you get a chance at a relationship, grab it with both hands. If you don't, you WILL miss the pain, but you'll also miss all the good times, the love, the friendship, and everything that goes before....
I've linked through to the video below, and as he himself says, the video illustrates a subtext of the song - that of someone who has led a life of so much promise, but yet has been taken from us too soon. Regardless of the meaning you choose, the song is, and will remain one of my favourite songs, both in the lyrics and the beautiful simplicity of the musical arrangement.
Watch the video here :
Garth Brooks - The Dance
Where has the time gone?
It's been over a year since my last entry. So. Where was I?
Oh yes. Previously in my life.....
Had a job, lost it, got a new one. Had another really bad breakdown on New Years Eve, of all days. Minor cardiac scare (if such a thing can be called "minor"). I could go on, but I won't.....for now.
I am going to try to blog at least once a week from now on, even if its just to say nothing much happened, but I suspect I'll find plenty to talk about.
To be continued......
Oh yes. Previously in my life.....
Had a job, lost it, got a new one. Had another really bad breakdown on New Years Eve, of all days. Minor cardiac scare (if such a thing can be called "minor"). I could go on, but I won't.....for now.
I am going to try to blog at least once a week from now on, even if its just to say nothing much happened, but I suspect I'll find plenty to talk about.
To be continued......
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