12 Months - Part 2 - Citalopram Nights (and days)

Citalopram ( trade names: Celexa, Cipramil) is an antidepressant drug of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It has U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval to treat major depression, and is prescribed off-label for a number of anxiety conditions. 
          (From Wikipedia)
    
It would change my life. No more constant feelings of hopelessness. No more suicidal thoughts. A better life all round. That's what I was told. It would take a few weeks to kick in fully, and there would of course be side-effects during that time.
   
Ah yes. The side-effects. When you open a box of Citalopram, you get a double-sided A4 sheet of small print, full of contra-indications and side-effects. Common side effects of citalopram include drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, weight changes, frequent urination, decreased sex drive, anorgasmia, dry mouth, increased sweating, trembling, diarrhea, excessive yawning, and fatigue. Less common side effects include bruxism, vomiting, cardiac arrhythmia, blood pressure changes, dilated pupils, anxiety, moodswings, headache, and dizziness. Rare side effects include convulsions, hallucinations, and severe allergic reactions. (That's a summary from Wikipedia, by the way!)
   
I ended up moving into the spare room. I couldn't sleep, I had restless legs, nausea, and severe trembling. My body wanted to vomit, but it wouldn't let me. I would break out In cold sweats at the drop of a hat. When I did manage to get to  sleep, I kept waking up because I needed to pee. I would often wake crying or shouting, the result of 'night terror'. I would wake in the morning, crawl to the toilet, and crawl back to bed, shaking and shivering all the while. Occasionally I would suddenly get a headache so severe that I couldn't see. I had no appetite, and ate little, but often.
   
They talk about 'kill or cure'. These are the things that make you want to give up the medication, when the cure feels worse than the problem. Several times I wanted to take a break, only to be reminded that the side-effects would be just as bad when I started to take them again. What could I do? I had to continue - the alternative didn't bear thinking about......