Looking back

2012 started in the worst possible way for me - in bed, suffering the effects of yet another Major Depressive Incident. On New Year's Eve, my mind blew a "mental fuse", and I walked out of work and went AWOL. I wandered the streets of my city for several hours, in a mental fog, not knowing where I was going, or indeed, why. There was a moment, crossing the river, that I seriously gave thought to climbing the parapet and just throwing myself off. I didn't, but it was a tough decision not to. Eventually, I ended up at an out-of-hours GP surgery, where I broke down and demanded to be locked up. Luckily for me, my family were sent for, and I ended up at home, in bed, under the influence of heavy tranquillisers and anti-depressants.
I spent most of the month of January at home in bed, or sprawled on the sofa in front of the tv. Anti-depressants are not nice. They carry with them a range of side-effects including, but not limited to, drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, weight changes, vivid dreaming, dry mouth, increased sweating, trembling, diarrhea, excessive yawning, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. Anyone who thinks they are an easy way out from your problems is much mistaken. I'm no longer suffering from most of these, but still have issues with fatigue, excessive yawning, and dizziness.

Recovery was gradual, and I returned to work mid-February, being treated with kid gloves by everyone. Eventually, I had to speak to my manager and tell him I just wanted to be treated normally, not as a sensitive or high-risk person. My mood has gradually improved over the year, with occasional dips over the time, but then, my medication isn't "happy pills", it's "normal pills" - they give me a normal emotional spectrum. I was immensely heartened in March, when one of my comedy heroes, Peter Serafinowicz, tweeted publicly about his battle with depression (http://chirpstory.com/li/5480). He too, describes his medication, as "normal pills", and is on the same medication as myself.

Even with the medication, there are many people who I could not have managed without, and whose strength and support I was able to draw on. They know who they are, and I don't want to embarrass them but I have to mention Steph, Lesley, Johnny G, Steve, and Dawn. Thanks guys, for helping me through this patch, and I hope we all meet up soon!

Love, Pain, and the Whole Crazy Thing

Tonight I did something I haven't done for a few years. I sat on the floor in my daughter's bedroom and watched her sleep. Just that, nothing more. Events in the last few weeks (of which more anon) have made me so aware of how important family is, and how it should be cherished while we can. I am determined more than ever now that my daughter should lean this, and understand it as a central tenet of her life.

Love of any kind is a wonderful, crazy roller-coaster of a ride, and along with the good times, there will inevitably be pain. What form the pain takes can vary, whether it be the pain of rejection by the one you love, the pain of separation, or the ultimate pain of loss. But then, isn't that pain a sign of how strong that love is? If there was no love, there would be no pain.

I said earlier that events of the last few weeks have made me aware of how important family is. Two friends, two very good friends, both lost their surviving parent recently.

My best friend, David, recently buried his father after losing his mother about 10 years ago. To be fair though, he said that he "lost"him about 18 months ago, as his dad had suffered greatly from dementia in his final years. But still he loved him. Even though he didn't always know David when he came to visit, David still loved him. Sometimes there would be that spark of recognition in the eyes, but mostly there was none. Yet David still loved him.

Yesterday, another close friend lost her mother. I've never met L, as we're online friends, but I feel her pain and loss just as much as I do David's.
You see, I don't make good friends easily, but those I do, I love like my family. I have quite a few acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends, the ones I can really be open and completely honest with. I feel David's pain because he is my best friend in real life, and I feel L's pain because I look upon her as the older sibling I never had - wise, quirky, and above all, loving and fun.

I have no doubt that both David and L miss their respective parents, and how painful their loss must be. But then again, that pain would not exist without the tremendous love they undoubtedly both had for their parents. That love came from a lifetime of parental devotion they both received, along with the joy of knowing how much they were loved in return.

All of which sort of brings me full circle. I sat and watched over A sleeping tonight because I love her. I half-hoped she would wake up and see me there, and know that I was watching over her. I want her to know how much she is cherished, even when she isn't always well-behaved. And although it may sound wrong, I want her to know the pain when I eventually go into that Undiscovered Country, because that pain will show others how much she loved me in return.

The Dance

OK - confession time - I LOVE Country Music. I mean the real stuff - jeans, boots and cowboy hats. Not the faux-country stuff peddled by a certain Donegal-based crooner that the grannies all love! Garth Brooks was the first Country Artist I heard. We were on honeymoon in Dublin in '94, when he played The Point. Everywhere you went, his picture and music were all over the place. We've seen him twice live - Croke Park in Dublin, and King's Hall in Belfast. Best.Concerts.Ever! This song is my favourite song, by my favourite artist.

It has a particular resonance for me. When you've been hurt before it's hard to take the chance on happiness again. The problem is, when a relationship ends, someone always gets hurt. Thing is, though, you won't get hurt if you don't take the chance. And if you don't take the chance, you'll never have the good times. Sometimes it's better to take the chance, not knowing what's ahead, and enjoy the good times, rather than lose out altogether.
"Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the Dance".

If you get a chance at a relationship, grab it with both hands. If you don't, you WILL miss the pain, but you'll also miss all the good times, the love, the friendship, and everything that goes before....

I've linked through to the video below, and as he himself says, the video illustrates a subtext of the song - that of someone who has led a life of so much promise, but yet has been taken from us too soon. Regardless of the meaning you choose, the song is, and will remain one of my favourite songs, both in the lyrics and the beautiful simplicity of the musical arrangement.

Watch the video here :

Garth Brooks - The Dance

Where has the time gone?

It's been over a year since my last entry. So. Where was I?
Oh yes. Previously in my life.....
Had a job, lost it, got a new one. Had another really bad breakdown on New Years Eve, of all days. Minor cardiac scare (if such a thing can be called "minor"). I could go on, but I won't.....for now.

I am going to try to blog at least once a week from now on, even if its just to say nothing much happened, but I suspect I'll find plenty to talk about.


To be continued......

12 Months - Part 2 - Citalopram Nights (and days)

Citalopram ( trade names: Celexa, Cipramil) is an antidepressant drug of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It has U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval to treat major depression, and is prescribed off-label for a number of anxiety conditions. 
          (From Wikipedia)
    
It would change my life. No more constant feelings of hopelessness. No more suicidal thoughts. A better life all round. That's what I was told. It would take a few weeks to kick in fully, and there would of course be side-effects during that time.
   
Ah yes. The side-effects. When you open a box of Citalopram, you get a double-sided A4 sheet of small print, full of contra-indications and side-effects. Common side effects of citalopram include drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, weight changes, frequent urination, decreased sex drive, anorgasmia, dry mouth, increased sweating, trembling, diarrhea, excessive yawning, and fatigue. Less common side effects include bruxism, vomiting, cardiac arrhythmia, blood pressure changes, dilated pupils, anxiety, moodswings, headache, and dizziness. Rare side effects include convulsions, hallucinations, and severe allergic reactions. (That's a summary from Wikipedia, by the way!)
   
I ended up moving into the spare room. I couldn't sleep, I had restless legs, nausea, and severe trembling. My body wanted to vomit, but it wouldn't let me. I would break out In cold sweats at the drop of a hat. When I did manage to get to  sleep, I kept waking up because I needed to pee. I would often wake crying or shouting, the result of 'night terror'. I would wake in the morning, crawl to the toilet, and crawl back to bed, shaking and shivering all the while. Occasionally I would suddenly get a headache so severe that I couldn't see. I had no appetite, and ate little, but often.
   
They talk about 'kill or cure'. These are the things that make you want to give up the medication, when the cure feels worse than the problem. Several times I wanted to take a break, only to be reminded that the side-effects would be just as bad when I started to take them again. What could I do? I had to continue - the alternative didn't bear thinking about...... 
   

12 Months - Part 1 - Breakdown

September 21st, 2010
   
Buses are big. Double-deckers even more so. Heavy too. Plus, they're flat-fronted, so if you get hit by one, you either get dragged under the front wheels, or carried along on the front. Either way, the survival rate is statistically very low, which made it an ideal choice for me. Plus, if I stepped out at the right moment, looking the other way, it would appear nothing more than a tragic accident. No stigma of suicide for my family, you see.
   
These were the thoughts running through my head as I stood at the kerb. One step, at the right time, and it would all be over. I was ready. No turning back right? No 'cry for help'. No hiding in case I was found too soon.
   
Out of the corner of my eye I could see the bus approaching. I edged forward, closed my eyes, stepped out, and was hauled back by the scruff of the neck, as I heard the words "Look out mate! That was close!" As I turned around to see who had 'saved' me, he turned and melted into the crowd. I realised then, that I needed help.
   
------------------------------
   
Clinical Depression is a hateful thing. What I used to brush off as simple mood swings, or, to be trendy, a form of bipolar syndrome was nothing of the sort. It eats away at your heart. At worst, I didn't feel down, I had no feelings whatsoever. It was like falling down a dark, bottomless pit, spinning and spinning in the void, with no way out, or no end. I felt worthless, my family would be better off without me. 
   
People say "oh, I'm depressed" at the drop of a hat, without really understanding what it means to actually BE depressed, instead of just feeling a bit 'down'.  It can make you say and do things you would never dream of doing normally, especially to the ones you care about the most. People sometimes say "oh he's using his illness as an excuse" - it's not like that. It fucks with your mind. I became paranoid, I felt people hated me. I would strike out and be nasty to people without even meaning or caring how they felt. I felt I wasn't in control of my own mind.
   
I tried to hide it. In common with a lot of other depressives, I would put on a 'game face', trying to hide my true feelings from people. That took a lot of effort, and almost certainly made things worse. The effort involved made the bouts of depression deeper. I would stand in work pretending that nothing was wrong, while all the time it was eating away at me inside. 
    
Thankfully I have an underststanding GP. As soon as I spoke to him, he knew I was depressed. I burst into tears when he told me. (I'm not ashamed to admit that). He took me through a simple questionnaire to establish my mental state, then another one about my physical health. Clinical Depression, you see, is not just a mental issue - it is often a whole-body thing too.
   
He put me on a course of Citalopram, an anti-depressant, and referred me to a mental health clinic. The 'pram of course had some side effects, but the alternative was much worse.....  

The Muppet Doctors (and friends)

What can I say - I LOVE THIS!

All Ten Doctors and several companions - I love the way Eleven is Kermit, and River Song is Miss Piggy. How many more do you recognise (I got them all!)

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