Tonight I did something I haven't done for a few years. I sat on the floor in my daughter's bedroom and watched her sleep. Just that, nothing more. Events in the last few weeks (of which more anon) have made me so aware of how important family is, and how it should be cherished while we can. I am determined more than ever now that my daughter should lean this, and understand it as a central tenet of her life.
Love of any kind is a wonderful, crazy roller-coaster of a ride, and along with the good times, there will inevitably be pain. What form the pain takes can vary, whether it be the pain of rejection by the one you love, the pain of separation, or the ultimate pain of loss. But then, isn't that pain a sign of how strong that love is? If there was no love, there would be no pain.
I said earlier that events of the last few weeks have made me aware of how important family is. Two friends, two very good friends, both lost their surviving parent recently.
My best friend, David, recently buried his father after losing his mother about 10 years ago. To be fair though, he said that he "lost"him about 18 months ago, as his dad had suffered greatly from dementia in his final years. But still he loved him. Even though he didn't always know David when he came to visit, David still loved him. Sometimes there would be that spark of recognition in the eyes, but mostly there was none. Yet David still loved him.
Yesterday, another close friend lost her mother. I've never met L, as we're online friends, but I feel her pain and loss just as much as I do David's.
You see, I don't make good friends easily, but those I do, I love like my family. I have quite a few acquaintances, but only a handful of good friends, the ones I can really be open and completely honest with. I feel David's pain because he is my best friend in real life, and I feel L's pain because I look upon her as the older sibling I never had - wise, quirky, and above all, loving and fun.
I have no doubt that both David and L miss their respective parents, and how painful their loss must be. But then again, that pain would not exist without the tremendous love they undoubtedly both had for their parents. That love came from a lifetime of parental devotion they both received, along with the joy of knowing how much they were loved in return.
All of which sort of brings me full circle. I sat and watched over A sleeping tonight because I love her. I half-hoped she would wake up and see me there, and know that I was watching over her. I want her to know how much she is cherished, even when she isn't always well-behaved. And although it may sound wrong, I want her to know the pain when I eventually go into that Undiscovered Country, because that pain will show others how much she loved me in return.
