12 Months - Part 2 - Citalopram Nights (and days)

Citalopram ( trade names: Celexa, Cipramil) is an antidepressant drug of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It has U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval to treat major depression, and is prescribed off-label for a number of anxiety conditions. 
          (From Wikipedia)
    
It would change my life. No more constant feelings of hopelessness. No more suicidal thoughts. A better life all round. That's what I was told. It would take a few weeks to kick in fully, and there would of course be side-effects during that time.
   
Ah yes. The side-effects. When you open a box of Citalopram, you get a double-sided A4 sheet of small print, full of contra-indications and side-effects. Common side effects of citalopram include drowsiness, insomnia, nausea, weight changes, frequent urination, decreased sex drive, anorgasmia, dry mouth, increased sweating, trembling, diarrhea, excessive yawning, and fatigue. Less common side effects include bruxism, vomiting, cardiac arrhythmia, blood pressure changes, dilated pupils, anxiety, moodswings, headache, and dizziness. Rare side effects include convulsions, hallucinations, and severe allergic reactions. (That's a summary from Wikipedia, by the way!)
   
I ended up moving into the spare room. I couldn't sleep, I had restless legs, nausea, and severe trembling. My body wanted to vomit, but it wouldn't let me. I would break out In cold sweats at the drop of a hat. When I did manage to get to  sleep, I kept waking up because I needed to pee. I would often wake crying or shouting, the result of 'night terror'. I would wake in the morning, crawl to the toilet, and crawl back to bed, shaking and shivering all the while. Occasionally I would suddenly get a headache so severe that I couldn't see. I had no appetite, and ate little, but often.
   
They talk about 'kill or cure'. These are the things that make you want to give up the medication, when the cure feels worse than the problem. Several times I wanted to take a break, only to be reminded that the side-effects would be just as bad when I started to take them again. What could I do? I had to continue - the alternative didn't bear thinking about...... 
   

12 Months - Part 1 - Breakdown

September 21st, 2010
   
Buses are big. Double-deckers even more so. Heavy too. Plus, they're flat-fronted, so if you get hit by one, you either get dragged under the front wheels, or carried along on the front. Either way, the survival rate is statistically very low, which made it an ideal choice for me. Plus, if I stepped out at the right moment, looking the other way, it would appear nothing more than a tragic accident. No stigma of suicide for my family, you see.
   
These were the thoughts running through my head as I stood at the kerb. One step, at the right time, and it would all be over. I was ready. No turning back right? No 'cry for help'. No hiding in case I was found too soon.
   
Out of the corner of my eye I could see the bus approaching. I edged forward, closed my eyes, stepped out, and was hauled back by the scruff of the neck, as I heard the words "Look out mate! That was close!" As I turned around to see who had 'saved' me, he turned and melted into the crowd. I realised then, that I needed help.
   
------------------------------
   
Clinical Depression is a hateful thing. What I used to brush off as simple mood swings, or, to be trendy, a form of bipolar syndrome was nothing of the sort. It eats away at your heart. At worst, I didn't feel down, I had no feelings whatsoever. It was like falling down a dark, bottomless pit, spinning and spinning in the void, with no way out, or no end. I felt worthless, my family would be better off without me. 
   
People say "oh, I'm depressed" at the drop of a hat, without really understanding what it means to actually BE depressed, instead of just feeling a bit 'down'.  It can make you say and do things you would never dream of doing normally, especially to the ones you care about the most. People sometimes say "oh he's using his illness as an excuse" - it's not like that. It fucks with your mind. I became paranoid, I felt people hated me. I would strike out and be nasty to people without even meaning or caring how they felt. I felt I wasn't in control of my own mind.
   
I tried to hide it. In common with a lot of other depressives, I would put on a 'game face', trying to hide my true feelings from people. That took a lot of effort, and almost certainly made things worse. The effort involved made the bouts of depression deeper. I would stand in work pretending that nothing was wrong, while all the time it was eating away at me inside. 
    
Thankfully I have an underststanding GP. As soon as I spoke to him, he knew I was depressed. I burst into tears when he told me. (I'm not ashamed to admit that). He took me through a simple questionnaire to establish my mental state, then another one about my physical health. Clinical Depression, you see, is not just a mental issue - it is often a whole-body thing too.
   
He put me on a course of Citalopram, an anti-depressant, and referred me to a mental health clinic. The 'pram of course had some side effects, but the alternative was much worse.....  

The Muppet Doctors (and friends)

What can I say - I LOVE THIS!

All Ten Doctors and several companions - I love the way Eleven is Kermit, and River Song is Miss Piggy. How many more do you recognise (I got them all!)

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Blood (part 2)

It was brought to my attention that I didn't follow up my entry on the blood tests I had to have.
To cut a long story short, the tests revealed nothing unusual, other than a slightly elevated cholesterol level. Seems like I have a reasonably healthy diet after all then!
However, I'm still no further on in discovering why I'm so tired all the time. Maybe its due to insomnia or light sleeping due to my depression meds, I don't know. I'll just have to see if things improve when I come off them.

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Note to self

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I am *never* drinking like last night again! It was my parents Golden Wedding Party, and the Scottish relatives were over. Need I say any more? My head hurts.

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Oh Doctor! My Doctor! (apologies to Walt Whitman!)

I'm a huge Doctor Who fan. Have been for as long as I can remember.

I've faithfully followed the adventures of the Time Lord right the way through my childhood and into adulthood, never missing an episode. In fact, I persuaded my father to buy our first VCR so that I wouldn't miss one. I used to record them all onto VHS and watch a full story back to back.

I have a vague recollection of watching No. 3, the dandy Doctor, Jon Pertwee, but my Doctor was No. 4, the Bohemian, Tom Baker. There was something about him that appealed to kids. He seemed to have the knack of making things less scary than they should have, and of course there were always the Jelly Babies, which he offered to friend or foe alike. He could be brooding of course, most obviously in Genesis of the Daleks, where he goes back in time to the creation of his most famous enemies and has the chance to prevent their creation. He muses on morality and his knowledge of the future, that the Daleks, evil though they may be, have drawn other races into alliances which would not have happened otherwise. Given the chance to commit genocide, he hesitates. "I become like the Daleks. If someone who knew the future pointed out a child to you and told you that the child would grow up...to be a ruthless dictator who would destroy millions of lives, could you then kill that child? Do I have that right?"

Of course he is saved from having to make that choice, but still, imagine the impression that had on me. Suddenly things were no longer black or white. Now there were shades of grey. Good and Bad were no longer absolute markers, but relative. It was a turning point for a young boy.

The years passed, and the Fourth Doctor became a friend rather than a character, and it was a shock when after seven years in the part, Mr. Baker decided to leave. He was replaced by a young Peter Davison, who approached the part with a boyish energy and a love of cricket. He in turn was replaced by Doctors Six and Seven with a brief appearance from the Eighth Doctor. Through all this, I was loyal.

Then suddenly, there was nothing. The BBC, in their infinite wisdom, "retired" the Time Lord and all we had to watch was repeats on UK Gold. Through this, I became acquainted with the First and Second Doctors, along with the Third, getting to know the irascible Bill Hartnell and the Cosmic Hobo of Patrick Troughton.

Then, news began to emerge of a new Doctor Who. It seemed that the character was about to be resurrected in the modern age for a new audience. Chris Ecclestone was the Northern Doctor, number 9, followed by David Tennant, and latterly Matt Smith.

My love for the character has not diminished over time, and indeed now things have come full circle, with my seven year-old daughter being a huge fan of the programme and the character. I wonder if, in years to come, she will look back and remember Matt Smith as her Doctor? I certainly hope so!

Blood

So, lately I've been feeling TATT (that's a clinical abbreviation for "Tired All The Time", or so my GP tells me!)
As a result, I've been referred for blood tests. There's a possibility I have either a low red cell count or diabetes. I'm not sure whether I should be worried or not. On the one hand, there's hyperglycemic forms of diabetes, which means you have an elevated blood sugar count (no more sweets etc.).
There's also hypoglycemic diabetes, where the blood sugar count is depressed. I'm kind of hoping its that, because it answer a lot of other problems as well, such as my headaches, pins and needles, constant hunger as well as my constant fatigue.
I cannot wait to se the results, even though part of me is scared they'll find other issues as well.

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My Top 10 Chocolate Bars (in no particular order)

Cadbury's Wispa
Mars Bar
Milka Bar with popping candy
Terry's Chocolate Orange Bar
Milky Way
Cadbury's Dairy Milk
Yorkie Bar
Galaxy Ripple
Cadbury's Fruit & Nut
Cadbury's Turkish Delight

Buy me any one of these, and I'll be a happy chappie!

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Best Friends

A New Start (again!)

So I gave up my old blog, let the domain expire and decided on a clean sheet. Why? Laziness I suppose. I just couldn't be bothered renewing the domain and webspace, and before I knew it, everything was wiped. Just like that.

Anyway, I'm starting from scratch again. I may rehash old blog entries, I'm not sure. One thing's certain, I will try to keep this updated as much as possible. Comments will be welcome, and if you like it, link to it on your own blogs. The more who read this, the merrier!